Saturday, November 3, 2012

gainfully employed

My big news is that I got a new job.

It is a dream job, nearly custom made for me, but sadly the offer came in the most uncouth way, which required me to walk out of my old job without notice, which in turn made me feel like a super rat.

a terrible person

an ingrate

a betrayer

There was a lot of sobbing involved 

and two sleepless nights 

and self doubt 

and self criticism.

Stinkin' Thinkin', as my friend Dominique would say.

But, like Beck said in Loser, "I'm a winner, I can feel it." and with that in mind I am plodding forward and letting go of all the giant and cumbersome guilt trips that tied my ankle to the past, that for so long kept me just surviving, head only a nose above the surface.

The woman that chose me, Chose ME, for the position is gone.

She took another position, which is why I had to say YES! and take the job, without warning.

Without notice.

Without over thinking things. 

We spent a whirl wind two days together and now she is gone and I will figure this all out with a new supervisor that like me is brand new to the program.  

It should be interesting. 

She said several times, "I chose you because you will be excellent for this work", which nearly brought tears to my eyes. 

To be valued, appreciated and thought well of, is a little hard to process for me.

I am used to a model, where if I was not able or willing to give, and give and give an give that I was somehow less than.
It sadly fed into the same pathos I grew up, the same model I tend to parent with, to approach the world from  and was unhealthy for me.
It was no doubt my own fault, as I view the world through my own lens, but in the end I was sinking.
I know that having healthy boundaries makes for healthy people.  I know it.  I know that self care is meaningful not selfish.    I am going to try to live that now.

I will make myself get used to it, I know I will.

I have spent years counseling other women to value their worth, and now it's my turn to take that advice.

1 comment:

  1. This is perfect for you and you have deserved it for so long. I am so happy for you, and you WILL be excellent at it!