Giving Thanks

cranberry sauce with apples and molasses

Quinces from our quince tree!

Aunt Karen after dinner

Maxwell in his new T-Shirt

Kid table kid

No running in the house, being ignored

A lot of food was made

Apple, Greek yogurt and thyme tart

A large volume of mashed potatoes

Cream being whipped

Four desserts

A loose acorn theme

Freyja and Aunt Karen making pies

name tags

Wawa checking out the scene

Getting ready for the big day

My dorag do for cleaning day

 We are busy preparing for Thanksgiving.  We will have 16 people this year and I hope it will be fun.  Last year was kind of sad.  I was sad and depressed and the holiday was a little wilted.  This year I am busting out all of my toughest moves and hoping for the best.

Wrangling three unruly animals

Freyja said "Mommy, what do hippos eat?" and I said I wasn't sure, most likely some kind of grass.  Here is what she came up with. 

Freyja walking the dog in the rain

An invitation that is not very fancy

A pumpkin soup party.

Running away to join the circus...

Frejya had her performance for her circus class this week. 
She is at level two these days, which means most of the kids are older than she is and more skilled, which makes her slightly less enthusiastic about going to class; like her mother, she likes to be the best. 
She did a bang up job at the show, anyway and fearlessly flew through the air with the greatest of ease.

the real tea party

The neighbors had a very long, large and loud party last night, which involved guests leaving between 4:00 and 6:30am this morning and stopping to chat along the way to their cars.
Every few minutes I would be awakened by loud talkers, and in one case a fellow singing under my bedroom window.
I am tired and cranky- I know, I know, I seem cranky all the time, but I really am not, but I need my sleep. Sleep is precious and allusive and when it is snatched from me by a series of inconsiderate idiots, it makes me angry.
At one point I yelled out the window, SHUT UP! and was ignored.  I think at that time it was the residents of the house sitting on the front porch smoking and reflecting on what a gay old time they had had, which made me furious.
At 7:00, Freyja lept like a cheerful golden retriever into my bed, and the notion of getting any more sleep passed.
Her mission for the day was to have a real tea party.  Thankfully, tea parties are right up my alley and I was able to pull it all together in my hazy, grumpy state.

gainfully employed

My big news is that I got a new job.

It is a dream job, nearly custom made for me, but sadly the offer came in the most uncouth way, which required me to walk out of my old job without notice, which in turn made me feel like a super rat.

a terrible person

an ingrate

a betrayer

There was a lot of sobbing involved 

and two sleepless nights 

and self doubt 

and self criticism.

Stinkin' Thinkin', as my friend Dominique would say.

But, like Beck said in Loser, "I'm a winner, I can feel it." and with that in mind I am plodding forward and letting go of all the giant and cumbersome guilt trips that tied my ankle to the past, that for so long kept me just surviving, head only a nose above the surface.

The woman that chose me, Chose ME, for the position is gone.

She took another position, which is why I had to say YES! and take the job, without warning.

Without notice.

Without over thinking things. 

We spent a whirl wind two days together and now she is gone and I will figure this all out with a new supervisor that like me is brand new to the program.  

It should be interesting. 

She said several times, "I chose you because you will be excellent for this work", which nearly brought tears to my eyes. 

To be valued, appreciated and thought well of, is a little hard to process for me.

I am used to a model, where if I was not able or willing to give, and give and give an give that I was somehow less than.
It sadly fed into the same pathos I grew up, the same model I tend to parent with, to approach the world from  and was unhealthy for me.
It was no doubt my own fault, as I view the world through my own lens, but in the end I was sinking.
I know that having healthy boundaries makes for healthy people.  I know it.  I know that self care is meaningful not selfish.    I am going to try to live that now.

I will make myself get used to it, I know I will.

I have spent years counseling other women to value their worth, and now it's my turn to take that advice.