My aunt has taken a turn for the worse and will have quadruple bypass surgery on Monday, if she remains stable, or sooner, if she doesn't.
There is nothing I can do except wait for my mother, then go to the hospital to visit. I can host out of town family.
I can cook, I can drive, I can provide a center.
I am selfishly wishing that there was a way to avoid all of the painful, complicated family baggage that this event will surely dredge up.
So it's all about YOU? How s e l f i s h
has floated through my mind constantly, since the moment I picked up the phone last night at 8:45pm.
In my family being selfish is second only to being lazy- a mortal sin.
The notion of boundaries, self preservation or self interest are completely alien.
I am thinking of how much I wish my husband were home, rather than far away on a business trip. I am wishing for his quiet, I have got your back, buffering presence. I am wishing for his fierce protectiveness and good judgment.
I am mopping the floor and scrubbing the toilet and hoping for grace.