Last night my mother called to say that she will fly in this evening. 

My aunt has taken a turn for the worse and will have quadruple bypass surgery on Monday, if she remains stable, or sooner, if she doesn't.

There is nothing I can do except wait for my mother, then go to the hospital to visit.  I can host out of town family. 

I can cook, I can drive, I can provide a center.

I am selfishly wishing that there was a way to avoid all of the painful, complicated family baggage that this event will surely dredge up.  

So it's all about YOU? How  s e l f i s h

has floated through my mind constantly, since the moment I picked up the phone last night at 8:45pm. 

In my family being selfish is second only to being lazy- a mortal sin. 

The notion of boundaries, self preservation or self interest are completely alien.

I am thinking of how much I wish my husband were home, rather than far away on a business trip.  I am wishing for his quiet, I have got your back,  buffering presence.  I am wishing for his fierce protectiveness and good judgment. 

I am mopping the floor and scrubbing the toilet and hoping for grace.