Giving Thanks

cranberry sauce with apples and molasses

Quinces from our quince tree!

Aunt Karen after dinner

Maxwell in his new T-Shirt

Kid table kid

No running in the house, being ignored

A lot of food was made

Apple, Greek yogurt and thyme tart

A large volume of mashed potatoes

Cream being whipped

Four desserts

A loose acorn theme

Freyja and Aunt Karen making pies

name tags

Wawa checking out the scene

Getting ready for the big day

My dorag do for cleaning day

 We are busy preparing for Thanksgiving.  We will have 16 people this year and I hope it will be fun.  Last year was kind of sad.  I was sad and depressed and the holiday was a little wilted.  This year I am busting out all of my toughest moves and hoping for the best.

Wrangling three unruly animals

Freyja said "Mommy, what do hippos eat?" and I said I wasn't sure, most likely some kind of grass.  Here is what she came up with. 

Freyja walking the dog in the rain

An invitation that is not very fancy

A pumpkin soup party.

Running away to join the circus...

Frejya had her performance for her circus class this week. 
She is at level two these days, which means most of the kids are older than she is and more skilled, which makes her slightly less enthusiastic about going to class; like her mother, she likes to be the best. 
She did a bang up job at the show, anyway and fearlessly flew through the air with the greatest of ease.

the real tea party

The neighbors had a very long, large and loud party last night, which involved guests leaving between 4:00 and 6:30am this morning and stopping to chat along the way to their cars.
Every few minutes I would be awakened by loud talkers, and in one case a fellow singing under my bedroom window.
I am tired and cranky- I know, I know, I seem cranky all the time, but I really am not, but I need my sleep. Sleep is precious and allusive and when it is snatched from me by a series of inconsiderate idiots, it makes me angry.
At one point I yelled out the window, SHUT UP! and was ignored.  I think at that time it was the residents of the house sitting on the front porch smoking and reflecting on what a gay old time they had had, which made me furious.
At 7:00, Freyja lept like a cheerful golden retriever into my bed, and the notion of getting any more sleep passed.
Her mission for the day was to have a real tea party.  Thankfully, tea parties are right up my alley and I was able to pull it all together in my hazy, grumpy state.

gainfully employed

My big news is that I got a new job.

It is a dream job, nearly custom made for me, but sadly the offer came in the most uncouth way, which required me to walk out of my old job without notice, which in turn made me feel like a super rat.

a terrible person

an ingrate

a betrayer

There was a lot of sobbing involved 

and two sleepless nights 

and self doubt 

and self criticism.

Stinkin' Thinkin', as my friend Dominique would say.

But, like Beck said in Loser, "I'm a winner, I can feel it." and with that in mind I am plodding forward and letting go of all the giant and cumbersome guilt trips that tied my ankle to the past, that for so long kept me just surviving, head only a nose above the surface.

The woman that chose me, Chose ME, for the position is gone.

She took another position, which is why I had to say YES! and take the job, without warning.

Without notice.

Without over thinking things. 

We spent a whirl wind two days together and now she is gone and I will figure this all out with a new supervisor that like me is brand new to the program.  

It should be interesting. 

She said several times, "I chose you because you will be excellent for this work", which nearly brought tears to my eyes. 

To be valued, appreciated and thought well of, is a little hard to process for me.

I am used to a model, where if I was not able or willing to give, and give and give an give that I was somehow less than.
It sadly fed into the same pathos I grew up, the same model I tend to parent with, to approach the world from  and was unhealthy for me.
It was no doubt my own fault, as I view the world through my own lens, but in the end I was sinking.
I know that having healthy boundaries makes for healthy people.  I know it.  I know that self care is meaningful not selfish.    I am going to try to live that now.

I will make myself get used to it, I know I will.

I have spent years counseling other women to value their worth, and now it's my turn to take that advice.

not even if my mouth was full...

My friend Dom has said more than once "you wouldn't say shit, if your mouth was full." and I suppose she is pretty close to being right.
I don't like to draw a lot of attention to myself, as a rule.
Every once in a blue moon I have what my grandmother would call a Daugherty breakdown (named for the unhinged Irish side of the family and having nothing to do with the rock star.) and let things fly, but in general I am a good keeper of both my cool, and secrets and I never, unless pressed really hard, ask for help.

I like be the helper, not the helpee and I reserve a certain smug annoyance for people that are needy in an external manner.  I am from a long line of people that fix other people's shit.

Today I had to take Maxwell to the orthodontist to have his final appointment.
We arrived twenty minutes early and checked in, sat down and I tried to read a magazine, while Freyja ransacked the toy area and made a lot of noise. 
Just as I settle into my PEOPLE,  in walks a lady with a quiet kid and a very noisy persona.  She was like the energetic version of Pigpen from Peanuts, you felt unsettled just being in the same room as this gal.  I hate that type of person, just can't stand it. 
I know that sounds horrible, but I would rather spend time with a junkie, or a person deep in crisis, than I would this type.
Yes, I am judging, but I am an excellent judge, and I was so right on.
The receptionist told her that she was late, and would have to wait for our appointment to be over, before her kid would be seen. 
She stands in the middle of the large room, taking up a lot of emotional space and declares to the room
"I was STUNG BY A BEE!"
Naturally I assume she meant that she was late, because a been stung her outside the doctor's office, or perhaps in her car, so I ask, 

"are you ok?  Are you allergic? "

Nope, not allergic, but she needs an ice pack.

The receptionist, who by the way happens to be a bit of a cold fish, ignores the request for ice, so I pester her.   
"Don't you have a first aid kit, or some blue ice in your break room?"

Nope, no ice. 

"Sorry Mrs. Myhusbandslastname we are an orthodontist office, we do not carry ice."
There is another older overachieving helper type lady in the office, who has just gone through disaster training, tells me she has a chemical ice pack in her car.
Viola! we are in rescuing heaven!   
She is super excited to get to use it!

The receptionist continues to be completely unconcerned, so  I start to get a little pissed, but there is something off about this bee sting victim. 
Perhaps asshole receptionist is onto something?
Hmmmm. 
I take a closer look and see that she looks pretty darn good, and not at all choky or shocky, or anything.   I ask "when did the bee sting you?"
"Oh a couple of hours ago when I was gardening."
The icepack disaster woman returns with two disposable ice packs and starts trying to activate them, which requires breaking an internal bubble thingy, which is more difficult that it should be, which makes bee sting lady whine, which makes me irritated. When I left she was getting a lot of attention from the ice pack woman, and I suppose she needed it, but I felt like slapping her.

Our elderly neighbor passed away yesterday.

I am baking muffins for her husband and Mark is looking at me like I am a lunatic with a spatula.  I am not a quality coper since my grandmother died. 
Mark says I have to not make everything about me, which I think is not possible. 
Don't we relate to each other and the world from our own perspective?
 Despite my husband's nay saying I a, know for being objective and a good observer (so there! HA!) I can take mad S*O*A*P style notes and write a decent analysis when needed. 
When little old people die, I tend to lose my shit.  It really is that simple
Or dogs.  My friend had to put his dog down today and I thought my heart would break.
So it's a sad day, and I am baking muffins and crying. 

Took my baby walking...

This dog is really settling in. 

 Mark was away on a trip this past week and it was a doozy.
I had one 12 hour day and several other loooong days.
I was running around like a nutball piecing together childcare like a crazy lady.
My mother was also out of town.
WOW.
Amazingly enough we made it to most everything, school, work, karate, marimba band practice, regular band practice, math lab... We did forget circus class on Saturday, which is really stupid because I could have used that hour and thirty minutes to get my mental health together.
I don't really do spontaneous, I don't dig change.
I like stuff to pretty much be the same, all the time, so when I have to depend on other folks to do stuff for me, I tend to freak out.
Oh, and Friday was a no school day.
Portland Public Schools seems to revel in any excuse to close the shop down.  It was an extra added feature, as my dear Leo would have said.
Bring is PPS!,
Is what I said.
Lili offered to pick Maxwell up from a day long drama workshop I found for him, at Lincoln High school and Wawa my mother in law watched Freyja for me, so it went pretty well.  Rolf even drove her to Wawa for me on Thursday evening, the tail end of my 12 hour day.
There really is no substitute for good friends.
We are about to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, as mom is still out of town, so Maxwell will get out of school, walk to the marimba lady, practice, then go hang out with a friend that lives in the neighborhood,  then go back to school to get a ride home with our carpool, which is offset, because the carpool host's kid has play practice, WHEW, you try keeping all that shit in your head and see how well you feel.
I am personally not feeling that hot; I got off early on Friday, so I rushed downtown to pick Maxwell up from the drama thing and on the way back to our car in a downpour, I slipped one of those elevator grates in the sidewalk and slid down the sidewalk, about a quarter of a block. Like a fool, I was wearing sandals, and I ripped off my big toenail on one foot and bruised the heck out of my knee. 

... and biting us

Mark was in New York for the week, and boy was it a long time.  It was like dog years, or slow motion or something.

I made enough pie for an army, or for two 13 year old boys.

A big bag of limes for .99 at the Mexican store. 

and posing looking super cute

providing a good deal of entertainment

If you haven't tried no bake noodles, you are a fool.  I remember slaving over lasagna for my brother, when I was a teen, using those awful thick noodles with the curly edges.  The no boil noodles make making lasagna a snap, and the finished product is far superior to that gloppy mass that the old stuff used to produce.

Spinach lasagna

Not to toot my own horn, but isn't this the most beautiful boy in the whole wide world?

Gone on a journal jag, I have no idea where she gets it.

Where I been at, many gifts this month...

 Freya and I both got haircuts last week, mine was a bit of a disaster, hers was ok.  A bad haircut can have a lasting effect, make everyone sad, as mama rages through the house, but this time I just sigh and decided that hair does indeed grow.  September was  that kind of month.

 I baked an apple pie.  I make a good apple pie, mile high pie.  This one had some super juicy apples that caused a little over flow in the oven.  When you have a very expensive vintage oven that requires a lot of TLC, you, as a rule try to avoid situations like this, that result in burned on sugar.  You can't use oven cleaner, so a lot of scrubbing is involved in cleaning up.  What a pain in the neck, say I.

 A friend of mine that has a little, little girl that is far, far away from him, asked "where can I get a pink scarf in a small child size?"  It just about broke my heart, to see it just about break his heart.  It was his little girl's birthday and she wanted a pink scarf.  Being a sucker for dad's that want something special for their children, I offered to make a scarf for him to mail off to his kid.  It came out pretty, pretty, if I do say do, and I do.  Freyja, is modeling the hell out of it here.  His daughter asked "how did that lady know I like pink?  How did she know what size I am?"  That really made my day.  If I could spend my whole life doing nothing, but making stuff that makes other people happy, I would be delighted.

 The kids are a lot less excited by the food carts than I am.  I LOVE them, and once in a blue moon force my children to eat at out local pod.  Maxwell is suffering through an afternoon snack.

 My friend Lili cleaned out her studio when she moved house last year, and she gave us the mother-load of holiday decorations!  I had a lot of cool Halloween stuff, but my table is positively chock a block full now. I set the dining table just for the hell of it, looks pretty nice, huh?

 My friend Marta said "I have a present for you, but you have to promise not to cry!"  She then presented me with these three extraordinary woolen goats, that she had made.  HOLY cow, holy GOAT!

 Freyja wanted to have gelato with a friend that lives near the gelato place.  She wasn't home, but we had fun anyway.

 Freyja made a play, the set, and the puppets over the course of three days all by herself.  She even made a ticket for each of us. WOW.

A new divan for moi.  Boy am I  blessed.  Thank you for all the people that keep us going.